Notes from the Bar: Finding your Voice
Originally posted on 1 June 2022
As I mentioned in the first post of the Notes from the Bar series, I had written a version of this previously but didn’t feel ready to share it. Upon reflection, it is a major part of the journey of who I am today and has contributed to my becoming a generalist.
I am prefacing this piece by saying that it was not all bad, but I am sharing some of the unpleasant truths behind my previous role because this blog is about the lessons I have learned along the way, and they weren’t always pleasant.
The Glorified Secretary
I had this running joke in the office that I was a glorified secretary because so much of what I did on a day-to-day basis was administrative work. Some days, I was even the tea lady (I take generalist to a new level). It was also because I was often treated by some as a secretary.
My role also involved external stakeholder relations which meant I attended many meetings, dinners, and events as my boss’s shadow as well as regularly travelled overseas with him. I will never forget the night before I was leaving for my first work trip with my boss and my parents were all excited for me and asked, “so are you going to be meeting with these people on your own?”. I quickly burst their bubble and said “no, I will be sitting there quietly like the good little secretary that I am and taking notes”. This was the harsh reality of the job. To all the people that I was now meeting, I had no voice or significance. Being a young woman sitting at these tables which were often dominated by men made the situation worse. I was always expected to be seen and not heard. The shadow. The secretary. The notetaker.
Everyone thought I had this amazing job and was making all these connections but what good was it if they thought I was just the secretary?
There were some truly awful moments sometimes. Like the visit to a prominent institution in Nashville when we would meet our American counterparts (all male) in the morning, and they wouldn’t even greet me. I was insignificant to them. Or a dinner at a fancy sushi restaurant in New York with some important people (all men again) when I had to sit there, smile at them, my voice not heard, and pretend to like sushi. You can imagine how that might make you feel as a young woman. Or the times when my boss completely forgot to introduce me at a meeting or dinner. The latter was because I had become so good at being his shadow that he forgot I was there.
I became accustomed to it. Bottled it up inside and then blew up behind closed doors or cried on the phone to my mentor. It was a steep learning curve for someone who was used to having a voice. Gradually I did make my voice heard but not enough and too late.
You can have a seat at the table, but it is of no use if you do not have a voice at that table. Your presence will be diminished. You will be forgotten. You will be labelled as something that you are not.
I continued to be treated as a ‘glorified secretary’ by some long after my former boss left. The label and type of work stuck, even though I am more than that and had always done more than that.
Taking Notes for Myself
Now to the bar story. I wanted to do a little evening out on my own like I would do in London or New York when I would be on a work trip. The only difference was that it was Joburg and Easter Sunday so no walking around and most places were closed. Still, it was an adventure, and the rainy weather fitted with the past I was imagining.
I eventually ended up at a fairly empty bar of a restaurant in Rosebank. I was scribbling down some ideas for the blog that week and had a lovely chat with the bartender about his future career goals so was going to write something around that. However, what really came to mind by the end of the night was the freedom I now felt. After years of being the shadow and the notetaker, I was taking notes for myself. I was finding my voice again.
Now that I tend to look on the brighter side of life and see everything as a lesson, those moments in which I had no voice were also building me up. I realised that all those tables that I sat at – the good, the bad, and the ugly – were important. Being a quiet observer, you can learn a lot. As I sat taking all those notes and smiling and nodding demurely during all those meetings and dinners, I was quietly gaining the knowledge to become the generalist I am today. To the ones who shared their knowledge willingly and gave me a voice at the table, thank you. This includes my former boss; it took him a while, but he got there eventually.
Finding Your Voice at the Table
There is a time and place to be the notetaker and quiet observer, but it should never leave you feeling anything less than you are.
We often talk about wanting a seat at the table. I have had a seat at the table, but it isn’t enough – certainly not for me. You want a voice at that table. Plus, if we are thinking into the future here, there will no longer be tables to be seen at – there will only be voices and you want your voice heard. Speak up in that meeting, share your ideas and thoughts, and do not let yourself be diminished.
Alex the Generalist
