Time to Thrive
We often spend our days just in comfort or survival mode; thinking that tomorrow we will have time to do that thing which will bring change, or we’ll be ready to make that change next week. You don’t grow and change from your comfort zone or by having a fixed mindset. If you want to reach your goals then you need to move away from just surviving, to taking action and thriving.
I was reminded of the power of taking action recently as I was reading The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler (you can read an excerpt here). It has now become my guide. Not because I didn’t know many of these things (secretly) about myself before or because this is how my mind worked but because Morgan Schafler has helped me understand it from a fresh (and often amusing) perspective. It made me realise that, once again, I had gotten comfortable in my comfort zone, and it was time to act.
The Comfort Zone
For the past month or so, I have subconsciously been staying in my comfort zone of still not quite acknowledging that I had made a career change. I think I wanted to hide out for a bit longer and hope no one would notice. On paper, I had done it. In reality, I was going through the motions (making lots of plans for plans) but not really doing anything about it. I was just surviving, not thriving anymore.
In part, you stay in your comfort zone because it means letting go of something or there’s a possibility of failure. I had made this big career change and now what if it fails? Also, was I completely ready to let go of my old self especially when everyone around me was still clinging to that identity too?
In The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, Morgan Schafler has an excellent section on the importance of being able to let go. She talks about how if you want to move from just surviving, then you need to develop ‘thrival’ skills and to do this, you need to learn how to take risks:
Risks are not automatically dangerous; they’re automatically uncertain. To take a risk, you have to let go of predictability. Relinquishing predictability is an ambitious task for two reasons. First, it makes you feel like you’re losing control (because you are, and this is a good thing). Second, it takes continuous effort to let go of what’s familiar and try something new. At least initially, you have to process so much more information than you otherwise would: Do I like this? Is this what I want? Is this who I am? Is this working for me? Am I happier yet? Should I be crying right now?...Is this worth my discomfort? Are there snacks here? What is happening? (Morgan Schafler, 2023: p. 151)
Morgan Schafler goes on to say:
In the background of this psychological calculus is the evolutionary reflex to return to what’s familiar…Your brain likes streamlined; hence you gravitate towards familiar even when what’s familiar is hurting you and you know it. (Morgan Schafler, 2023: p. 151)
For perfectionists, she says you will stay in this unhealthy familiarity because it “doesn’t look like slacking off; it looks like working harder” (Morgan Schafler, 2023: p. 151). I was definitely working harder but making no progress.
In my case as a mostly procrastinator perfectionist, I was making so many plans for the perfect moment to start my plans. I had also been writing blog posts for the last few months but not publishing a single post. It never seemed the perfect moment to publish or the right topic to be the first one to go up on my new website. This was all a load of nonsense. The truth was the minute something was published, it would be real. I would be letting go of a past me and moving towards who I am now.
Time to Thrive
Sometimes it is only when we are faced with the stark reality of the familiar – the job that we’re actually really unhappy with, the relationship that isn’t working, or the overwhelming schedule – that something clicks, and we take action. For me, it was the realisation in the past few weeks that I would be continuing with the familiarity of my consultancy work that spurred me to take action. The familiar was no longer actually comfortable. I had to stop being who I am not and move towards who I am now.
You can also ebb and flow out of this state of comfort/survival and thriving. Just a few months ago, I had been very good at taking action to make that career change in a very short space of time. I completed my coach training and built a website for my new business. But then uncertainty crept in (a story and lesson for another post) and I decided not to share the change with the world. However, now it is time to thrive again.
To thrive, you do need to let go and get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Stop sitting in your comfort zone and take risks. Only you know what a risk for you at the moment is. For me right now, it is simply taking a few small actions of putting myself out there again – professionally and personally. Do I know if that person will respond to my email? No, but I’m going to risk it and send it anyway. Do I know if people are going to read this imperfect post and find it useful? No, but I’m going to post it anyway and hope it resonates with at least one person. With all those small actions, you start to gain momentum.
The hard work is keeping the momentum going. Switching from surviving to thriving isn’t a quick process; there will be small daily wins, and some failures along the way, but you have to keep building momentum and be kind to yourself along the way.
